A Selfish Mourner

I find that mourning is a private matter. Personally I believe in shutting the doors and crying on your own in a massive heap of tissues and blankets. Keeping your sadness within to those few individuals who know exactly how you feel because they too loved and lost this individual. I cant help but feel that these people have no rights to flash my aunts picture all over the news, print it in magazines and newspapers. Everyday I walk into a store I have to force myself to walk by these portraits and not buy out every single one so strangers cant look at her pictures and try to be involved in the mourning. I dont want strangers or family to tell me how sorry they are or try to make me feel better. I dont want them telling me how sad it is or how wonderful she was. They do not know. I do not like it when family members, that were less close to her then I, cry over her death because they did not know her. I have found I am very selfish with my feelings and thoughts. Selfish with my memories. My personal coping styles are to blame as I do not follow these typical coping with grief stages. I went through the denial stage, the acceptance stage, into the depression stage. I know deep down that this selfish mourning is part of the anger stage. Just like I was as a child, too eager to pass through to the other side of things. I skip the stages and sometimes crawl backwards before learning to move forward. But that is my way and it works for me. So until that acceptance comes back around I’ll just have to keep fighting the instinct to be selfish. Allow others to grieve and those that didnt know her learn about her and know that she is someone that deserves to be missed. I’ll have to let others purchase the media with her face plastering the front. I’ll have to allow them to then recycle it with the rest of the trash the next day. I’ll have to get out of my own head and allow those around me to share her story, her picture, her life for awhile. We’re lucky this wasn’t my mom or I would be lashing out at the public and media. How do celebrities do it?